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Summary
Summary
NEW YORK TIMES BESTESLLER * From the author of The Power of Habit , a fascinating exploration of what makes conversations work--and how we can all learn to be supercommunicators at work and in life
"A winning combination of stories, studies, and guidance that might well transform the worst communicators you know into some of the best."--Adam Grant, author of Think Again and Hidden Potential
Come inside a jury room as one juror leads a starkly divided room to consensus. Join a young CIA officer as he recruits a reluctant foreign agent. And sit with an accomplished surgeon as he tries, and fails, to convince yet another cancer patient to opt for the less risky course of treatment. In Supercommunicators , Charles Duhigg blends deep research and his trademark storytelling skills to show how we can all learn to identify and leverage the hidden layers that lurk beneath every conversation.
Communication is a superpower and the best communicators understand that whenever we speak, we're actually participating in one of three conversations: practical ( What's this really about? ), emotional ( How do we feel? ), and social ( Who are we? ). If you don't know what kind of conversation you're having, you're unlikely to connect.
Supercommunicators know the importance of recognizing--and then matching--each kind of conversation, and how to hear the complex emotions, subtle negotiations, and deeply held beliefs that color so much of what we say and how we listen. Our experiences, our values, our emotional lives--and how we see ourselves, and others--shape every discussion, from who will pick up the kids to how we want to be treated at work. In this book, you will learn why some people are able to make themselves heard, and to hear others, so clearly.
With his storytelling that takes us from the writers' room of The Big Bang Theory to the couches of leading marriage counselors, Duhigg shows readers how to recognize these three conversations--and teaches us the tips and skills we need to navigate them more successfully.
In the end, he delivers a simple but powerful lesson: With the right tools, we can connect with anyone.
Author Notes
Charles Duhigg graduated from Harvard Business School and Yale College. He is an investigative reporter for The New York Times. He won the George Polk Award and the National Academies of Science Award. He is a contributor to NPR, This American Life, and Frontline. The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business is his first book. His title Smarter Faster Better made the New York Times bestseller list in 2016.
(Bowker Author Biography)
Reviews (4)
Publisher's Weekly Review
Pulitzer winner Duhigg (The Power of Habit) contends in this savvy guide that "we can learn to connect in more meaningful ways if we can understand how conversations work." According to Duhigg, so-called supercommunicators more easily build trust, persuade others, and form friendships because they've honed such skills as "matching" (recognizing the kind of conversation they're having, whether it's about making a decisions, conveying emotions, or forming a bond) and "looping" (repeating what one's interlocutor has said in one's own words). Drawing on social experiments, neurological studies, and examples of how CIA agents recruit informants and doctors review treatment options with patients, Duhigg provides wise advice for bonding with friends, fighting with partners, and bridging divides over such lightning-rod issues as gun control. (In moments of conflict, readers should show they're listening--rather than silently preparing a rebuttal--by asking questions, summarizing the other person's views, and asking for confirmation; this helps people feel safe enough to receive someone else's opinions and share their own.) In lucid prose, Duhigg breaks conversation down to its fundamentals, providing both an actionable guide and a revealing peek into the psychological needs and motivations that underpin human interaction. It's a smart, revelatory look at the complex ways in which humans conflict and connect. (Feb.)
Kirkus Review
Now more than ever, the ability to properly communicate is a crucial skill. Certain people seem to have a gift for conversation, for understanding others and making themselves understood. Whether their ability is intuitive or deeply considered, they have much to teach the rest of us, especially when our society seems to be increasingly polarized and confrontational. Duhigg, a New York Times reporter and author of The Power of Habit and Smarter Faster Better, says he wrote this book because he recognized that his own verbal skills were poor. He delves deeply into the nature and structure of conversations, combining his own careful observations of "supercommunicators" with relevant research. He eventually defines three types of conversation and their inner meaning. Practical conversations ask, what is this really about? Emotional conversations deal with a different question: How do we feel? Social conversations involve questions of who we are. Being able to identify the type of conversation is a crucial step toward becoming a better communicator, and studies show that people's brainwaves start to move in sync when they are in the same category. Duhigg breaks down each type to develop a set of useful rules, noting that empathetic listening is an essential starting point. In many cases, the listener has to be able to share some of their own experiences without making it about themselves. The author provides illustrative anecdotes, ranging from a CIA agent recruiting sources to jurors discussing a tricky case. He admits that all this takes effort and concentration, although it gets easier with practice, and the rewards of good interaction are worth the work. "Connecting with others can make us healthier, happier, and more content," he writes. "Conversations can change our brains, bodies, and how we experience the world." With a focus on practical advice, Duhigg unpacks the essential tools for effective, positive conversations. Copyright (c) Kirkus Reviews, used with permission.
Booklist Review
Conversations, whether online, on the phone, via text, or in person, are meant to connect us to one another. But these connections don't always work the way we'd like. Journalist Duhigg, who admits to some communication challenges himself, dives into the research and comes up with three questions to ask when trying to identify the nature of a conversation: "What's This Really About?" "How Do We Feel?" and "Who Are We?" These questions enable speakers to determine the type of exchange underway and proceed most effectively. The author uses examples of communications from the CIA, among jurors, and in psychological studies. Duhigg finds that the conversations in which speakers are willing to be vulnerable and share their feelings seem to be the most satisfying for both sides. In our politically divided world, there's a need for conversations focused on common goals rather than determining who is right, says the author. Duhigg's methods are clear and sensible. Anyone reading this book will find themselves suddenly thinking before responding and really listening, two skills that are badly needed in our world.
Library Journal Review
In a time when people are becoming increasingly isolated from one another--whether due to social media, the COVID pandemic, or cultural and political divisiveness--creating meaningful relationships through effective communication becomes a means of revitalizing social life. Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Duhigg (The Power of Habit) has created a roadmap to better connection through the practice of supercommunication. He explains that discerning whether a discussion is based on decision making, emotions, or social contexts can assist people in having more meaningful conversations and work through conflict, especially when they have differing points of views, feelings, or backgrounds. Regardless of the type of conversation one has, he emphasizes the importance of trying to connect to people through careful listening, being empathetic, and asking others what they need. He shares insights into these techniques by drawing from examples of successful supercommunicators, people hailing from a myriad of professions, such as NASA psychologists, CIA spies, surgeons, and television writers. VERDICT A how-to-guide and useful overview for readers wanting to communicate more effectively. Along with David Brooks's recent How To Know a Person, a timely primer for creating deeper connections with others.--Donna Marie Smith
Excerpts
Excerpts
1 The Matching Principle How to Fail at Recruiting Spies If Jim Lawler was being honest with himself, he had to admit that he was terrible at recruiting spies. So bad, in fact, that he spent most nights worrying about getting fired from the only job he had ever loved, a job he had landed two years earlier as a case officer for the Central Intelligence Agency. It was 1982 and Lawler was thirty years old. He had joined the CIA after attending law school at the University of Texas, where he had gotten mediocre grades, and then cycling through a series of dull jobs. One day, unsure what to do with his life, he telephoned a CIA headhunter he had once met on campus. A job interview followed, then a polygraph test, then a dozen more interviews in various cities, and then a series of exams that seemed designed to ferret out everything Lawler didn't know. (Who, he wondered, memorizes rugby world champions from the 1960s?) Eventually, he made it to the final interview. Things weren't looking good. His exam performances had been poor to middling. He had no overseas experience, no knowledge of foreign languages, no military service or special skills. Yet, the interviewer noted, Lawler had flown himself to Washington, D.C., for this interview on his own dime; had persisted through each test, even when it was clear he didn't have the first clue how to answer most questions; had responded to every setback with what seemed like admirable, if misplaced, optimism. Why, the man asked, did he want to join the CIA so badly? "I've wanted to do something important my entire life," Lawler replied. He wanted to serve his country and "bring democracy to nations yearning for freedom." Even as the words came out, he realized how ridiculous they sounded. Who says yearning in an interview? So he stopped, took a breath, and said the most honest thing he could think of: "My life feels empty," he told the interviewer. "I want to be part of something meaningful." A week later the agency called to offer him a job. He accepted immediately and reported to Camp Peary--the Farm, as the agency's training facility in Virginia is known--to be tutored in lock picking, dead drops, and covert surveillance. The most surprising aspect of the Farm's curriculum, however, was the agency's devotion to the art of conversation. In his time there, Lawler learned that working for the CIA was essentially a communications job. A field officer's mandate wasn't slinking in shadows or whispering in parking lots; it was talking to people at parties, making friends in embassies, bonding with foreign officials in the hope that, someday, you might have a quiet chat about some critical piece of intelligence. Communication is so important that a summary of CIA training methods puts it right up front: "Find ways to connect," it says. "A case officer's goal should be to have a prospective agent come to believe, hopefully with good reason, that the case officer is one of the few people, perhaps the ONLY person, who truly understands him." Lawler finished spy school with high marks and was shipped off to Europe. His assignment was to establish rapport with foreign bureaucrats, cultivate friendships with embassy attachés, and develop other sources who might be willing to have candid conversations--and thereby, his bosses hoped, open channels for the kinds of discussions that make the world's affairs a bit more manageable. Lawler's first few months abroad were miserable. He tried his best to blend in. He attended black-tie soirees and had drinks at bars near embassies. Nothing worked. There was a clerk from the Chinese delegation he met après-ski and repeatedly invited to lunch and cocktails. Eventually Lawler worked up the courage to inquire if his new friend, perhaps, wanted to earn some extra cash passing along gossip he heard inside his embassy? The man replied that his family was quite wealthy, thank you, and his bosses tended to execute people for things like that. He would pass. Then there was a receptionist from the Soviet consulate who seemed promising until one of Lawler's superiors took him aside and explained that she, in fact, worked for the KGB and was trying to recruit him. Eventually, a career-saving opportunity appeared: A CIA colleague mentioned that a young woman from the Middle East, who worked in her country's foreign ministry, was visiting the region. Yasmin was on vacation, the colleague explained, staying with a brother who had moved to Europe. A few days later, Lawler managed to "bump into" her at a restaurant. He introduced himself as an oil speculator. As they began talking, Yasmin mentioned that her brother was always busy, never available for sightseeing. She seemed lonely. Lawler invited her to lunch the next day and asked about her life. Did she like her job? Was it hard living in a country that had recently undergone a conservative revolution? Yasmin confided that she hated the religious radicals who had come to power. She longed to move away, to live in Paris or New York, but for that she needed money, and it had taken months of saving just to afford this brief trip. Lawler, sensing an opening, mentioned that his oil company was looking for a consultant. It was part-time work, he said, assignments she could do alongside her job at the foreign ministry. But he could offer her a signing bonus. "We ordered champagne and I thought she was going to start crying, she was so happy," he told me. After lunch, Lawler rushed back to the office to find his boss. Finally, he had recruited his first spy! "And he tells me, 'Congratulations. Headquarters is gonna be overjoyed. Now you need to tell her you're CIA and you'll want information about her government.' " Lawler thought that was a terrible idea. If he was honest with Yasmin, she'd never speak to him again. But his boss explained that it was unfair to ask someone to work for the CIA without being forthright. If Yasmin's government ever found out, she would be jailed, possibly killed. She had to understand the risks. So, Lawler continued meeting with Yasmin, and tried to find the right moment to reveal his true employer. She became increasingly candid as they spent more time together. She was ashamed that her government was shutting down newspapers and prohibiting free speech, she told him, and despised the bureaucrats who had made it illegal for women to study certain topics in college and had forced them to wear hijabs in public. When she first sought out a job with the government, she said, she had never imagined things would get this bad. Lawler took this as a sign. One night, over dinner, he explained that he was not an oil speculator, but, rather, an American intelligence officer. He told her that the United States wanted the same things she did: To undermine her country's theocracy, to weaken its leaders, to stop the repression of women. He apologized for lying about who he was, but the job offer was real. Would she consider working for the Central Intelligence Agency? "As I talked, I watched her eyes get bigger and bigger, and she started gripping the tablecloth, and then shaking her head, no-no-no, and, when I finally stopped, she started crying, and I knew I was screwed," Lawler told me. "She said they murdered people for that, and there was no way she could help." There was nothing he could say to convince her to consider the idea. "All she wanted was to get away from me." Lawler went back to his boss with the bad news. "And he says, 'I've already told everyone you recruited her! I told the division chief, and the chief of station, and they told D.C. Now you want me to tell them you can't close the deal?' " Lawler had no idea what to do next. "No amount of money or promises would have convinced her to take a suicidal risk," he told me. The only possible way forward was convincing Yasmin that she could trust him, that he understood her and would protect her. But how do you do that? "They taught me, at the Farm, that to recruit someone, you have to convince them that you care about them, which means you have to actually care about them, which means you have to connect in some way. And I had no idea how to make that happen." How do we create a genuine connection with another person? How do we nudge someone, through a conversation, to take a risk, embrace an adventure, accept a job, or go on a date? Let's lower the stakes. What if you're trying to bond with your boss, or get to know a new friend: How do you convince them to let down their guard? What should you say to show you're listening? Over the past few decades, as new methods for studying our behaviors and brains have emerged, these kinds of questions have driven researchers to examine nearly every aspect of communication. Scientists have scrutinized how our minds absorb information, and have found that connecting with others through speech is both more powerful, and more complicated, than we ever realized. How we communicate--the unconscious decisions we make as we speak and listen, the questions we ask and the vulnerabilities we expose, even our tone of voice--can influence who we trust, are persuaded by, and seek out as friends. Excerpted from Supercommunicators: How to Unlock the Secret Language of Connection by Charles Duhigg All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
