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Summary
Summary
Details how to distinguish different types of criticism, how and why parents manipulate their children, how to detect these maneuvers, and how these practices damage children. Most importantly, it offers parents powerful strategies to preserve and rebuild loving relationships with their children.
Author Notes
Dr. Richard A. Warshak is a clinical, research, and consulting psychologist in private practice and a clinical professor at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center. He is an internationally recognized authority on divorce, and his studies are cited often in courtrooms and legislatures. His work has been featured in worldwide media including Today, CNN, USA Today, the Washington Post, the London Sunday Telegraph, and Time. He lives and works with his wife in Dallas, Texas
Reviews (2)
Publisher's Weekly Review
In Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, Richard A. Warshak (The Custody Revolution) offers guidance to parents whose exes portray them to their children in a negative light, whether it's mild, off-the-cuff badmouthing or systematic character assassination. Common psychological wisdom, besides recommending that parents avoid fighting fire with fire, suggests doing nothing. But Warshak has witnessed the feelings of powerlessness and the increasing difficulties that come from doing nothing. So he provides "a blueprint for an effective response grounded in a solid understanding of the techniques and dynamics of parents who poison their children's relationships with loved ones." After describing numerous nuances of inter-parental malignment (brainwashing, false abuse accusations, revisionist history, etc.), Warshak moves on to "Poison Control," both independently and with the help of professional counselors. This book will seem a godsend to the many divorcs who are bashed by their ex-spouses. (Regan Books, $26 304p ISBN 0-06-018899-5; Jan.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Booklist Review
Some level of animosity is typical in divorce, but when parents let those feelings degenerate into bad-mouthing, bashing, or brainwashing, they run the risk of emotionally damaging their children, according to child psychologist Warshak. He looks at the poisonous relationships that develop when parents carry criticism of their ex-spouses too far: parents and children estranged from one another, protracted and bitter custody and visitation battles, and even ruined relationships with the extended families. He uses case studies to illustrate how parents--sometimes unconsciously, sometimes deliberately--force children to choose between them and turn against the other parent. He describes a range of difficulties, from tainted parent-child relationships to an emotional disturbance known as parental alienation syndrome. Warshak offers strategies for parents to examine their motivations when they speak against a former spouse, to curb negative impulses, and to repair damage that may already have been done. Useful resource for families dealing with divorce and child rearing. --Vanessa Bush
Excerpts
Excerpts
Divorce Poison Protecting the Parent/Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex Chapter One The Delicate Balance Let us raise a standard to which the wise and honest can repair. --George Washington Fred slammed down the phone after his ex threatened to take him to court if he did not pay his child support on time. He turned to five-year-old Marty and said, "We can't go fishing this weekend. I have to work because your selfish mom is spending too much money." Fred regretted his words almost as soon as they left his lips. The divorce was hard enough on the boy; hearing such criticisms of his mother only added to his stress. The hurt look on Marty's face confirmed that Fred had, in that moment, failed his son. The father resolved to do better in the future. The divorce was not Fred's idea and he was still bitter about it. Every now and then he would burden his son with some barb directed at the boy's mother, often blaming her for "leaving us." Each time he did this he was sorry afterward. But he never spoke with Marty about the harsh words. Marty's mom, who knew Fred spoke ill of her, never said anything to Marty about it. The little boy was left on his own to deal with the bad-mouthing. Meryl hated Doug, the father of her twin eight-year-old boys, and took every opportunity to let them know it. Doug refused to marry her after she became pregnant. Ever since then she wished he would just disappear from her life. But he didn't. He was actively involved with his boys and he paid his child support regularly. Meryl's anger did not dissipate over time. She constantly maligned Doug in front of his sons. When Doug was a few minutes late to pick up the children, Meryl told them he was irresponsible. She belittled the gifts he bought. She told the boys their dad was a loser because he was a high school band teacher and could not afford to take them on expensive vacations. When Doug had to lead the band at Friday-night football games, he asked his sister to pick up the boys and bring them to the stadium. Even though the boys enjoyed the games and liked watching their father at work, Meryl complained. She told them that it was too bad they didn't have a father who could pay more attention to them. She even went back to court to ask the judge to eliminate the Friday-night contacts if Doug would not personally pick up his children. (She was unsuccessful.) When the boys told their mother that their dad was proud about winning the all-state band competition, she told them that he bragged too much. When Doug did nice things for the children that she could not think of how to criticize, she dismissed these by saying, "He's just trying to make himself look good." When Meryl became engaged to be married, Doug hoped that this would help her get past her anger and stop bashing him. Instead, she became worse. She started pressuring her sons to call her fiancé Dad. At the same time she began referring to Doug by first name when talking to the boys. "Doug's on the phone," she would say. "Do you want to speak to him or should I tell him you're too busy?" "Doug's probably going to be late again." "Don't tell Doug where Dad and I are going on our honeymoon." Meryl returned to court, this time hoping to reduce the boys' time with Doug so that they could spend more time with "their own family," by which Meryl meant herself, her fiancé, and his son from a previous marriage. Despite the twins' strong attachment to their father, she did not want them to regard him as part of their family. Hoping to please their mother, the boys began telling her that they really didn't have such a good time with Doug. She exploited this by telling them about the fun things that she and her fiancé and his son would be doing while the boys were with Doug. Doug worried when the boys began calling him Doug instead of Dad and asking to return home earlier than scheduled. He was not sure how to respond. His attorney advised him not to say anything that could be construed as criticizing Meryl because it might make him look bad in court. So Doug said nothing. The boys were given no help in coping with their mother's bashing of their father. Richie and his new wife, Janice, were determined to move out of state with Richie's twelve-year-old daughter, Meadow, but first they had to win custody away from Giselle. Richie had always denigrated Giselle in front of their daughter, but now he intensified his campaign of hatred. He hoped that Meadow would share his hatred of her mother and ask to live with him. One day Richie asked Meadow if she remembered the time her mother beat her with a belt. Meadow didn't remember. This was no surprise because the event never occurred. Richie brought up the event-that-never-was several times during the next few weeks. It was beginning to seem real to Meadow, although she wasn't sure if she actually remembered it or if she just remembered her father's account of it. Richie began casually referring to Giselle's violent temper. Although Meadow had never before thought of her mom in those terms, the more her dad and Janice talked about it, the more it seemed it must be true. When Meadow complained that her mom wouldn't let her watch television until she completed her homework, Richie sympathized with her and told her that Giselle treated her too much like a kid. He continued to undermine Meadow's respect for her mother by referring to Giselle either as "the boss" . . . Divorce Poison Protecting the Parent/Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex . Copyright © by Dr. Richard Warshak. Reprinted by permission of HarperCollins Publishers, Inc. All rights reserved. Available now wherever books are sold. Excerpted from Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex by Richard A. Warshak All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
Acknowledgments | p. xiii |
Introduction: Stealing The Soul | p. 1 |
1 The Delicate Balance | p. 7 |
The United Front | |
When Silence Is Not Golden | |
How to Distinguish Between Helpful and Harmful Criticism | |
2 Bad-Mouthing, Bashing, And Brainwashing | p. 24 |
Bad-mouthing | |
Bashing | |
Brainwashing | |
Parental Alienation Syndrome | |
Children Who Resist Divorce Poison | |
3 Alienated Children | p. 39 |
The Hate Campaign | |
Trivial Explanations for the Hatred | |
False Abuse Accusations | |
Polarizing Parents: Saints and Sinners | |
Parroting Adults | |
Declaration of Independence | |
Hatred by Association | |
Alienation Without Divorce Poison | |
Justified Alienation | |
Child-Driven Alienation | |
Understanding the Roots of Alienation | |
Is It Alienation or Not? | |
False Accusations of Parental Alienation Syndrome | |
4 Malignant Motives | p. 84 |
Poor Boundaries | |
Revenge | |
Narcissism | |
Guilt | |
Insecurity | |
Seeking Validation | |
Holding On with Hate | |
Paranoia | |
Reenactments | |
Hostility Toward the Children | |
Custody Litigation | |
Preventing Alienation During Custody Litigation | |
Remarriage | |
5 The Alienating Environment | p. 129 |
Isolation | |
Relocation | |
Kidnapping | |
Stripping | |
Fear | |
6 The Corruption of Reality | p. 147 |
The Name Game | |
Repetition | |
Selective Attention | |
Judging Behavior Out of Context | |
Exaggeration | |
Lies | |
Revisionist History | |
The Total Change Theory | |
Suggestions and Innuendos | |
Exploitation | |
Projection | |
Rationalization | |
Holier Than Thou | |
With God on Our Side | |
"The Truth" | |
Overindulgence | |
Encroachment | |
Cloak and Dagger | |
Cognitive Dissonance | |
Conspiracy | |
Tamper-Resistant Packaging | |
7 Poison Control | p. 204 |
Empathy | |
The Power of Indirect Communication | |
Fly on the Wall | |
Two Steps Removed | |
Using Third Parties | |
Strike While the Iron Is Cold | |
Creating Bridges | |
Healing Experiences | |
Memorializing the Positive | |
The Way We Were | |
Sowing Seeds in the Psyche | |
Vacations | |
Divide and Conquer: The Value of Separating Siblings | |
Contagion Control: Helping Children Stay Neutral | |
With God on Our Side--Revisited | |
Agree to Disagree | |
No One's Perfect | |
Think for Yourself | |
Brainwashing 101 | |
Films and Television | |
Become a Better Parent | |
Avoid Common Errors | |
Damage Control | |
Ann Landers's Reconciliation Day | |
8 Getting Professional Help | p. 247 |
When to Call the Therapist | |
How Therapy Can Help | |
How You Can Help Your Therapist | |
Selecting Therapists | |
Conditions of Treatment | |
Child Custody Evaluations | |
Phasing In Versus Moving In | |
Moving Out of One Home Without Moving into the Other | |
Hiring an Attorney | |
9 Letting Go | p. 280 |
When to Let Go | |
How to Let Go | |
Staying in Touch after Letting Go | |
New Bridges | |
Alienated Children as Adults | |
Coping with the Loss | |
Hope for the Future | |
Resources | p. 293 |
Index | p. 299 |