Excerpts

Boundaries Face to FaceCopyright © 2003 by Henry Cloud and John TownsendThis title is also available as a Zondervan audio product.Visit www.zondervan.com/audiopages for more information.Requests for information should be addressed to:Zondervan, Grand Rapids, Michigan 49530Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataCloud, Henry.Boundaries face to face : how to have that difficult conversationyouâ€TMve been avoiding / Henry Cloud and John Townsend.â€"1st ed.p. cm.ISBN 0-310-22152-81. Conflict managementâ€"Religious aspectsâ€"Christianity. 2. Conversationâ€"Religious aspectsâ€"Christianity. 3. Oral communicationâ€"Religious aspectsâ€"Christianity. 4. Interpersonal conflictâ€"Religious aspects. 5. Interpersonalrelationsâ€"Religious aspects. I. Townsend, John Sims, 1952â€" II. Title.BV4597.53.C58C59 2003158.2â€"dc22200301562This edition printed on acid-free paper.All Scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from the Holy Bible: NewInternational Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society.Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved. Italics in Scripture quotations areadded by the authors for emphasis.Scripture quotations marked NASB are from the New American Standard Bible®, © Copyright1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977 by The Lockman Foundation.The website addresses recommended throughout this book are offered as a resource to you.These websites are not intended in any way to be or imply an endorsement on the part ofZondervan, nor do we vouch for their content for the life of this book.All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system,or transmitted in any form or by any meansâ€"electronic, mechanical, photocopy,recording, or any otherâ€"except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the priorpermission of the publisher.Published in association with Yates & Yates, LLP, Attorneys and Counselors, Suite 1000,Literary Agent, Orange, CA.Interior design by Beth ShagenePrinted in the United States of America03 04 05 06 07 08 09 /? DC/ 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1We never foresaw how well our book Boundaries: When to SayYes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life was going to do.Although we knew through our clinical work that many peopleidentify with the need to regain control of their lives, we had noidea how widespread that need was. Almost everyone feels theneed for better boundaries at one time or another.Sometimes we need to deal with a difficult person in a relationship,such as a controller, a manipulator, or someone who isirresponsible or even abusive. At other times we need to figureout what demands of life to say no to so we wonâ€TMt overextendourselves. At still other times we need to work out better patternsof intimacy and relatedness in a good relationship, or takea stand for our values in a difficult one. Still other times, wemight need to keep someone from taking over more of our time,energy, and resources than we would like to give. There aremany, many different contexts of life in which we need to exercisegood boundaries. For people who care, setting those boundariescan be tough. So it really is no surprise that Boundaries hasfound such a ready audience.As a result of the bookâ€TMs following, we find ourselves speakingto tens of thousands of people directly every year and literallymillions through our radio program. When we talk to people, the themeof dealing with difficult relationships continues to surface. Resolvingrelational issues is always on the forefront of peopleâ€TMs minds.As we answer questions, we find ourselves continually telling peoplethat they should have a direct conversation with the person with whomthey have the problem. They repeatedly say either “Iâ€TMve tried that, andit didnâ€TMt work†or “How would I do that?†Either they have tried andfound themselves overpowered or outmaneuvered, or they just donâ€TMtknow how to broach such a conversation. So we often tell them to roleplaywith us. We say, “You be him or her and Iâ€TMll be you. Now go.†Whenwe show them how to have such a conversation, the lights go on for thefirst time. They often say things like “I never thought about saying itlike that. That makes all the difference in the world. Now I know whatto do.â€Many people in the audience who observe the role-playing tell usthe same thing. Just hearing how to do it gives them a process to follow,and they can go forward with more confidence that they will be able toresolve a tough issue.This book shows readers how to do that, how to have a “boundaryconversation.†Most people know that they need to set boundaries withsomeone or have a difficult conversation with someone, but few knowhow to do it well. Some are so afraid, they never try; others try and faildismally; still others do it in a way that does more harm than good. Forthat reason, people put off confronting, setting boundaries, or “facinginto†difficult conversations. As a result, their relationships suffer.For many people, setting boundaries or confronting someone hasgotten a bad rap. Yet, both the Bible and research show that confrontationis essential to success in all arenas of life. Successful peopleconfront well. They make it a part of the ongoing texture of their relationships.They face issues in their relationships directly. In fact, theLatin word for confront means just that: to turn your face toward somethingor someone.We hope this book will return confrontation to its proper positiverole in the language of love and relationship. We will show that settingboundaries, confronting, and having that “difficult conversation youâ€TMvebeen avoiding†is not adversarial, but one of the most loving things youcan do. We will show that it is the only way to have the relationshipyou desire, whether in marriage, dating, friendship, family, or work. Andif you learn to have those difficult conversations in a loving, honest,and responsible way, your relationships can become better than you everthought they could.This book will show you the benefits and essentials of a good conversation,how to have that good conversation, how to prepare yourselfbefore you have the conversation, and how to have it with the variouspeople in your lives.So why another Boundaries book? Our prayer is that it will accompanywhatever other Boundaries books you have and guide you towardspecific conversations in both your difficult and delightful relationships.This will be a “how-to†guide to help you know how to have that difficultconversation youâ€TMve been avoiding and, as a result, get more out ofyour relationshipsâ€"and your life.As we speak around the country at conferences on relationships,we will often hear some version of the following story.A man will come up and say, “Thanks for your materials onsetting limits and boundaries. They have changed my life and mymarriage.â€We will say, “Thank you, too. So what book did you read?â€â€œI didnâ€TMt read a book,†the man will say. “My wife did!â€He will go on to explain: “I was a crummy communicatorwith my wife. I controlled her, I had some bad habits, and I hadno spiritual life to speak of. Then she read Boundaries, and shestarted applying the principles. Thatâ€TMs when things started changingfor both of us. It took some time and effort, but Iâ€TMm really differentnow. We are closer, and we have more respect for eachother and more freedom in the relationship. Iâ€TMm doing a lot betterwith those bad habits, and Iâ€TMm waking up to my relationshipwith God.â€You would normally expect someone to talk about a book hehas actually read. Excerpted from Boundaries Face to Face: How to Have That Difficult Conversation You've Been Avoiding by Henry Cloud, John Townsend All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.