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Summary
Summary
Are you more distant from your spouse than you'd like to be? Do you sometimes get into big struggles over what amount to mere administrative details? Do you or your spouse waste time "screensucking"--mindlessly viewing email or surfing the Web? Welcome to the club!Modern marriage is busy, distracted, and overloaded to extremes, with ever-increasing lists of things to do, superficial electronic connections, and interrupted moments. Now Edward M. Hallowell, the bestselling co-author of the hugely popular Driven to Distraction and Delivered from Distraction , teams up with his wife, Sue George Hallowell, a couples' therapist, to explain the subtle but dangerous toll today's overstretched, undernurtured lifestyle takes on our most intimate relationship. The good news is that there are straightforward and effective ways to maneuver your marriage out of the destructive roadblocks created by the avalanche of busy living. Just thirty minutes of effort a day for thirty days can restore and repair communication and connection, resurrect long-buried happiness and romance, and strengthen--even save--a marriage.
We deal with overload by tuning it out, but the repercussions on couples and commitment are serious. Without attention, there is no intimacy. And without intimacy, there is no connection. So how do couples find their way back?
• Observe the natural sequence of sustaining love: attention, time, connection, and play.
• Develop and nurture empathy--the essential building block to healthy communication.
• Carve out small moments of uninterrupted attention for each other.
• Identify the pressures that our crazybusy lifestyles put on love and marriage, and fight back with tenderness and appreciation.
All of us who have been part of a couple for more than a few years will recognize ourselves in this reassuring book. Complete with scripts, tips, specific communication and interaction techniques, and a detailed 30-day reconnection plan, as well as inspiring real-life stories from relationships that were brought back from the brink, Married to Distraction will set couples on a course of understanding, healing, and love.
Author Notes
Edward M. Hallowell, a child and adult psychiatrist as well as an author and lecturer, is a graduate of Harvard College, Tulane Medical School, and a Harvard Residency Program in Adult and Child Psychiatry. In addition to his private psychiatry practice in Cambridge, Mass., and his teaching career at Harvard Medical School, Hallowell is the founder and director of The Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health. The Center specializes in the diagnosis and treatment of cognitive and emotional problems in both children and adults.
As an author, Hallowell has written two best-selling books on Attention Deficit Disorder: Driven to Distraction and Answers to Distraction. He has also written the comprehensive books When You Worry About The Child You Love and Worry: Controlling It and Using It Wisely.
Hallowell, who is married and has three children, lives in Massachusetts
(Bowker Author Biography)
Reviews (1)
Publisher's Weekly Review
It is remarkable that a couple so well versed in the woes of their patients' marriages has the capacity for the kind of optimism and clear-sighted wisdomthat readers will find in these pages. The Hallowells (he teaches at Harvard Medical School and heads the Hallowell Center for Cognitive and Emotional Health; she is a couples' therapist) examine the new and hard-to-resist stresses placed on the modern-day marriagewith a compassionate focus on forgiveness and self-reflection. Those in search of practical, concrete advice for creating and saving healthy marriageswill find what they need. (Mar.) (c) Copyright PWxyz, LLC. All rights reserved
Excerpts
Excerpts
Chapter One The Anatomy of Modern Love Praised be the fathomless universe, For life and joy, and for objects and knowledge curious, And for love, sweet love--but praise! praise! praise! --WALT WHITMAN You've picked up this book for a reason. Your concern is love. You've likely hit a snag, maybe a small one, maybe large. Human intimacy is so complex, so coiled and convoluted, that it's hard not to hit a snag. Most of us hit snags all the time in our dealings with others, especially those we are closest to. So, ifyou've hit a snag, just hang on. Keep up the effort. Anyone who tells you it's easy to stay together over the long haul has never done it. If you're still taking it seriously and working at it, your efforts will pay off as long as you have a plan that makessense. It's not enough just to take it seriously and work at it. Some people work at it their whole lives long and get nowhere. To help your efforts to keep your love alive and your marriage intact, we offer a plan based on what we know works best. When a couple is in a good place, each partner feels secure and fulfilled. To feel secure and fulfilled in a relationship, both people need to feel: * that the other person thinks highly of them. * that the other person cares deeply for them. *that the other person thinks they are proficient at something. Beyond that, for love to become what we all want it to become, a smile should cross your face when you think of your mate. You ought to think of him or her as someone you have fun with, someone you look forward to seeing, someone who for an undefinablereason makes life feel special. You want to feel that he or she casts a glow into your life that makes you feel good, no matter what else might be going on. When all goes right, a natural sequence of five steps leads to such happiness in love. Each step should usher in the next, but, as we will later describe, modern life tends to snag each one. The steps are: 1. Attention 2. Time 3. Empathy 4. Connection 5. Play Love begins in attention. Love begins when you notice another person. Love starts with a catching of your eye. Be it on some enchanted evening across a crowded room, or via an ad on Match.com, some signal--somehow--draws your attention to one person andnot to another. No one has ever figured out exactly why and how this happens when and where it does--but it does, and has done so since the dawn of time. In today's world, distractions interrupt attention all the time. The basic prerequisite of love--attention--can seem impossible to give or get. Once you have each other's attention--no small feat--the next step toward love is to sustain that attention over time. Without sustained attention, love cannot grow. On the other hand, too much attention can snuff it out. While some people purport to knowthe right proportions in advance, each love is different, which is why there is no one recipe and why "prescriptions for finding love" offered by "experts" so often fail. Giving and receiving attention becomes a kind of dance as love grows. Now you see me, now you don't. Playing hard to get. Don't be too easy. If you want me, you'll have to pursue me. At this stage, attention is often focused on the other in absentia. Resistingpicking up the phone to make the call. Deliberately avoiding the other person while thinking about him or her day and night. Preoccupied by the other person, but keeping a certain distance. This is the dance of developing love. Once again, our age of distraction can disrupt the dance. If you don't have time to ponder and wonder, if you don't have time to approach and avoid and put your heart into it, then love will falter here, n Excerpted from Married to Distraction: Restoring Intimacy and Strengthening Your Marriage in an Age of Interruption by Edward M. Hallowell, Sue Hallowell, Melissa Orlov All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.
Table of Contents
Introduction | p. ix |
Part 1 Modern Issues in Intimacy | p. 1 |
1 The Anatomy of Modern Love | p. 3 |
2 Your Attention ... Please? | p. 10 |
3 Interrupted ... Everything | p. 22 |
4 Making Time to Connect | p. 30 |
5 Distracters and Organizers | p. 39 |
6 Seemingly Selfish | p. 49 |
7 The Big Struggle | p. 56 |
Part 2 Resolving the Problems of Distraction | p. 67 |
8 Struggle Stoppers | p. 69 |
9 Download Overload | p. 80 |
10 Eliminate Toxic Worry | p. 84 |
11 When Your Spouse Has True ADD | p. 89 |
12 When Your Spouse Feels Like Your Child | p. 98 |
13 The New World of Affairs | p. 105 |
14 Time for Sex | p. 112 |
15 Just How Neat Must a Person Be? | p. 118 |
16 Managing Anger and Frustration | p. 121 |
Part 3 Promoting Passionate Connection | p. 127 |
17 Conation: An Unfamiliar Key to Empathy | p. 129 |
18 Special-ize | p. 135 |
19 Building Romance | p. 146 |
20 The Unexpected Gift | p. 150 |
21 Finding Hope | p. 159 |
22 What Makes It Worthwhile | p. 166 |
23 Ten Reasons Not to Get Divorced; Ten Reasons To Get Divorced; and Forty Ways to Make Your Marriage Great | p. 178 |
Part 4 Thirty Minutes, Thirty Days: A Workbook for Modern Marriage | p. 187 |
Acknowledgments | p. 223 |
Notes | p. 225 |