Excerpts

Make It Last Forever CHAPTER ONE SOMETHING JUST AIN'T RIGHT One of the common issues I have come across is people in relationships when they should not be in a relationship. These people carry baggage so large that they would have to pay extra if they tried to check it at the airport. And yet they wonder why every relationship they have goes South. The bottom line is this: Sometimes we simply are not ready to be in a relationship. We have to ask ourselves if we are good with whom we are at a particular moment--and then give an honest answer, which is not always easy because one of the most difficult things to do is to admit flaws in ourselves. Are you comfortable with where you are in your life, confident that you can interact with someone without holding on to past drama? Lots of us say we are, when, in reality, we are far from that. If a past dishonest boyfriend impacts how you view the next man in your life, then maybe you should try to figure out how to get beyond that pain before embarking on a new relationship. You think? And you know why? Because that new guy did not disappoint you and has not earned your wrath. Eventually he will say to himself: "Something just ain't right" about you when you question him about something based on your last boyfriend's behavior. If the pain or devastation of a previous relationship--especially a recently defunct relationship--lingers within you, it is not the best time to welcome someone else into your life. I have more than once used one woman to get past the previous woman. It was not intentional. It was natural. When you're upset or disappointed by someone, the hardest thing to do is sit around and mope about it. That's not me. I've got to keep it moving. And having that mentality, I have gotten with women I realized were not right for me, but they were there to help cushion the blow of the women before them. Here's a classic example: When I was working on my first album, I was crazy about this woman. We were kicking it and it was all good. At some point, she visited Atlanta for her college homecoming weekend. Cool, right? Well, the entire time she was there, I could not reach her--and she didn't call me. My thought was, "Something ain't right about this." Finally, I hear from her. And when I do, she says she's going to stay an extra few days in Atlanta. And I'm like, wow. So I started writing this song, "Something Just Ain't Right." The song was inspired by this woman who switched up on me when she went to her college homecoming. Here are the lyrics: Tossin', turnin', girl I just can't sleep at night Ooh, you've been cheating on me Tell me it's a lie, huh I called you home And the phone just keeps on ringing Ooh, baby, what do you think I am All I wanna do is be your man I can't sleep at night For fear someone holdin' you tight Make you believe you are mine And it will be ours till the end of time Something, something, something, something just ain't right It just ain't right Something, something, something, something just ain't right Ooh, you make me feel So good, so good inside And the thought of another man holdin' you tight It makes me wanna cry (Makes me want to cry) Don't blame me if I get suspicious, baby When you're not at home (Not at home) You just had to look so good Any man would want to make you his own You, you are mine And I, I am yours Tell me, tell me, baby Is it me that you adore, now tell me Something, something, something, something just ain't right It just ain't right Something, something, something, something just ain't right I did not tell our exact story, but she inspired the story by her behavior. So, finally, when she returned to New York, she said everything was okay, but I knew better. She had a girlfriend that was with her in Atlanta and I was cool with her. So, I asked her friend what was up. She said, "Keith, you're a nice guy, but your girl was with another man." I knew it. I felt it. But she confirmed it for me. So I manned up and dealt with it. She hung around with me until I finished the album. But once I finished it, I was finished with her. The point of that story is that after that, the next person I dealt with was dealing with the residuals of what I recently endured. She wasn't really dealing with me. And I wasn't really dealing with her. I was trying to get past that episode and I used that woman to help further my cause. It was not fair to her, but it still happened. I was younger back then and I see it now all the time. But jumping into a relationship right after one suddenly ends should not happen. Work on getting yourself right first. Doesn't that make sense? Forget about anyone else. If you are not right, things that normally may not irritate you will bother you to no end. When you're not right, your patience level diminishes. When you're not right, you smile less and frown more, making it an unpleasant environment. How can you be a positive asset to someone else when you have your own issues to overcome? That is extremely hard to do. When we are free of past baggage or issues, we free ourselves to embrace something new and good. Our minds and hearts are open to new experiences and growth. When we hang on to past pain and disappointment, we shut down. We look for the next disaster around the corner. We anticipate disappointment. We wait for drama. We limit our growth. The way to be fair in a relationship is to be beyond that. That will allow you to give the benefit of the doubt in questionable situations. Everyone should have that advantage until he/she ruins it. This is different from being foolish. I would never condone being foolish or to ignore the obvious. Do not look past something right in your face; that's the worst thing you can do. But if feelings creep to the surface because a situation might be similar to something bad you experienced, you must be in a frame of mind to let it play out without being judgmental and jumping to dramatic conclusions. It also would be wise to not jump into a relationship when you are still holding intense feelings for your last boyfriend. If you are still in love with one man, you're probably not ready for another relationship until you get over him. So many callers over the years have talked about trying to get over one guy by dating another guy. My answer is always the same: You're not being fair to the new man when you are with him but wishing you were with someone else. Most times, we can overcome or see a situation better if we do one basic thing: Put ourselves in the other person's position. If we do that, we would understand that it would be totally unfair to use one person to get over another. Sometimes we are so eager to get past our pain and disappointment that we jump right into the next opportunity, thinking that being involved with someone will push us beyond the past. Seldom does that ever work. And think about it: Would you like to be that "rebound" person, thinking you have met someone with the potential to be good for you, but all the while, you are there simply to fill a void left by someone else? That would be totally unfair and you'd feel cheap. One of the things we have to stop doing to each other is using each other. "That didn't work out, so I'll deal with him until I get back with my old boyfriend or get over him." Again, totally unfair--and you wouldn't want it to happen to you. It boils down to being fair over being selfish. It is selfish behavior to get from someone what you are not willing to offer, or to use someone to get back on your emotional feet, when you know you have no true feelings for that person. So where does that leave us? Alone. And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is probably the best place to be after a relationship ends. Alone time is when we can make assessments about who we are as a person and who we were in that relationship. It is much more difficult to do if you are too quickly trying to move on to the next partner. The harsh reality is that unless you have taken the time to understand your role in the failure of the relationship--and have come to some agreement on how to bring change to yourself--then you are not ready to embark on a new relationship. Jumping right to the next person would be the equivalent of carrying toxins with you, meaning you are bound to poison the next relationship. Toxins in your body are like a virus--they fester in you, spread and eventually do destruction, if not treated. It is the same way with relationships. If you don't treat the toxins of a bad relationship, the virus grows and festers to the point where it shows itself in many ways that could hurt your new relationship. How? Well, that depends on what happened in the previous relationship. But almost always trust issues come to the forefront. You don't trust that the relationship will flourish. You don't trust that the person in the relationship will do right by you. You don't trust yourself to embrace happiness. That's a lot of mistrust to overcome. When it's that heavy, it's best to work on you before pairing up with someone else. KEITH'S KEY: There has been more than one time when I used one woman to get over the previous woman. I'm not proud of it, but it happened. I wasn't ready for a new relationship, and sure enough the next one that I jumped into so quickly failed. Badly. Looking back on it now, it is all so clear to me. When there was a bad or sudden breakup, it was during those times that I wanted to psychologically get past the relationship quickly, and the natural thing to me was to find the next woman to heal my wounds, so to speak. And it would work for a while. I would feel like, "Okay, I'm moving on," as if I were getting the first woman out of my system. But I was actually moving backward or, at best, running in place. I was not advancing my life because, unfortunately, the next person was not the right person. She was merely the convenient person. I feel bad about those cases when I did that. Truth be told, I was not giving that second woman a legitimate chance since I was not my real self. But here's the very actual part: There was probably no right person for me at that time. The best thing for me to do was to be by myself, assess my role in the failure of the relationship and then make the necessary changes to not repeat them next time when I got involved with someone. That would have been the fair thing to do for the next woman in my life--and for myself. Excerpted from Make It Last Forever: The Dos and Don'ts by Keith Sweat All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.