Excerpts

SERIOUSLY, YOU NEED TO EAT BREAKFAST You've heard the same shit a million times, but it's true: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Consider the fact that when you wake up, you haven't eaten anything for 6 to 8 hours--sometimes longer, depending on whatever the fuck you justified as last night's dinner. So you really think it's OK to coast on fumes until lunch? Skipping breakfast is not only lazy but that shit is detrimental to your health. The Harvard School of Public Health found that regularly skipping breakfast increases the risk of a heart attack and heart disease by over 25 percent. Yeah, "oh fuck" would be an accurate reaction. When lunchtime comes around, if you've eaten breakfast, you'll make smarter decisions instead of desperately inhaling the first edible thing you can wrap your hungry hands on, causing your blood sugar to spike. It's dumb shit like that that leads to diabetes, high blood pressure, and high cholesterol, so keep that blood sugar in check with your morning meals. Breakfast is also a way to get your daily dose of fiber to keep you feeling full. Eat well, eat small meals, and eat often and you won't have to apologize for your shitty attitude or for eating a whole large pizza by yourself. Oh, you don't have time, or you're not hungry when you wake up? What a unique fucking excuse. Breakfast doesn't take a shitload of time. Sure, there is a whole chapter here with some badass breakfast foods, but do you know what else makes a respectable breakfast? Cold leftovers, which take seconds to eat. Anyone who says you can't have spaghetti for breakfast is a hater. And since when did not being hungry stop you from eating? Ever eat chips by the handful because you're just fucking bored? Yet some toast with peanut butter on it at 7:30 a.m. is just too much to deal with? Don't fucking give us that. QUINOA OATMEAL The fiber in the oatmeal helps control your blood sugar and keeps you feeling full until lunch. The quinoa gives your morning a little extra protein because why the fuck not? Start your day right by owning the shit out of it. Serve the oatmeal with fresh fruit, nuts, maple syrup, brown sugar, whateverthefuck will get you through your day. MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 4 cups water 1/2 cup quinoa 1 teaspoon olive or coconut oil 1 cup steel-cut oats Pinch of salt 1/2 cup almond milk 1 Heat up the water in a kettle on the stovetop or in the microwave until it is near boiling. Put the quinoa in a strainer and rinse that shit so it isn't bitter after you cook it. 2 In a saucepan, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the oats and stir them around until they smell kinda toasty, about 2 minutes. Add the quinoa and the hot water and bring it all to a boil. This won't take long because the water should already be hot as fuck. 3 Once it is boiling, turn down the heat on the pot and let it simmer uncovered. Go check your tumblr or Facebook shit while it cooks for 25 to 30 minutes. It should taste done now, not hard but still a little chewy. Add the almond milk and turn off the heat. 4 Love to hit snooze? Double the recipe and heat up the leftovers all week. MIXED VEGGIE AND TOFU CHILAQUILES This dish makes for a hearty breakfast the morning after a big party. If your head is still £ding and your stomach is grumbling, chilaquiles will set your ass straight. MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 12 corn tortillas 2 teaspoons olive oil 1 block medium-firm tofu* 2 teaspoons soy sauce or tamari 1 teaspoon garlic powder 1/4 cup nutritional yeast ("nooch")** 1/2 medium onion, chopped 1 red, orange, or green bell pepper, chopped 1 to 2 jalapeños, chopped 2 cloves garlic, minced 2 to 3 cups fresh spinach 21/2 cups salsa verde*** 1/4 cup vegetable broth or water Toppings: avocado, cilantro, jalapeños, pico de gallo 1 Crank your oven to 400°F. Cut your tortillas up into 8 wedges, like a motherfucking pizza. Spread the wedges out on a baking sheet and throw them in the oven for 15 to 20 minutes to dry out. Stir them around halfway through. It's fine if they start to get hard in some spots but don't let them fucking burn. 2 While the tortillas get crispy, grab a big skillet and do the damn thing. Heat up 1 teaspoon of the oil over a medium heat and crumble in the tofu. It might be a little watery, but don't worry about that shit. Think runny scrambled eggs. Stir in the soy sauce and garlic powder and let it all cook together until some of that water cooks off, about 2 minutes. Stir in the nooch, turn off the heat, and pour the tofu into a bowl. Wipe the skillet down and throw that motherfucker right back on the stove cause we ain't done yet. 3 Heat up that second teaspoon of oil over medium heat. Throw in the onion, bell pepper, and jalapeños and sauté until the onion starts to look a little brown, 3 to 5 minutes. Add the garlic and spinach and cook for 30 seconds more. 4 The baked tortillas should be done now, so throw about half of them in with the veggies in the skillet. Add 1 cup of the salsa and 2 tablespoons of the broth and mix all of that together. Add half of the tofu over the whole skillet and then layer on the rest of the tortillas. Top with the rest of the tofu, salsa, and broth and gently stir it around to make sure the layers are coated. A dry bite of chilaquiles can be a fucking bummer, so pay attention. Let this all simmer together for about 5 minutes so that the tortillas soften up and the liquid evaporates. The dope smell of cooking this will drag even the laziest motherfucker out of bed. Believe that shit. 5 Serve right away topped with sliced avocado, a sprinkle of cilantro, more jalapeños, and pico de gallo. Don't share until someone else promises to wash the goddamn dishes. * You want the kind packed in water that is sold in the fridge at the store, so make sure to drain that shit before you start cooking. ** WTF? See page 10. *** See page 126 for a recipe, or you could buy that shit if you are feeling super lazy. BASIC MAPLE GRANOL A WITH ADD-IN IDEAS Most store-bought granola is more sugar than oats. Why not just buy a jar of sprinkles for your breakfast and save yourself the trouble? If you want sweetness with some bulk behind it, make this granola and see what the fuck you've been missing. MAKES A LITTLE MORE THAN 5 CUPS 3 cups rolled oats 1/2 cup sunflower seeds* 1/2 cup chopped almonds* 1/4 cup uncooked millet** 1/2 cup maple syrup*** 1/3 cup olive oil 1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon 1/2 teaspoon salt 1/2 cup dried cranberries **** (optional) 1 Heat your oven to 300°F. Line a rimmed baking sheet with some parchment paper. 2 Mix together the oats, seeds, nuts, and millet in a large bowl. 3 In a medium glass, stir together the maple syrup, oil, and vanilla. Pour this all over the oat mixture and stir that shit around until everything looks coated. Add the cinnamon and the salt and stir. 4 Pour all of this evenly over that baking sheet and stick it in the oven for 40 minutes. Stir it every 10 minutes so that it cooks evenly. You'll know this shit is done when everything looks kinda toasted and the oats feel crispy instead of damp. Stir in the dried fruit now if you're using any. Let that all cool on the baking sheet and then store it in an airtight container for up to 2 weeks. 5 Want to mix it up? Try these nut and fruit combos: almonds and chopped, dried apricots or strawberries; walnuts and dried pears or figs; pecans and dried cherries; peanuts and dried apples or bananas. Just use whateverthefuck sounds good to you. * Basically, 1 cup of whatever nuts you prefer. ** No millet? Fuck it, just add more oats. *** Legit syrup can get kinda fucking expensive. But so can granola. Save up for the good shit. **** Or use any dried fruit you like. BREAKFAST GREENS This single-pan side has everything your sleepy ass needs in the morning. This goes great with Biscuits and Gravy (page 18) if you've got some fucking time. MAKES ENOUGH FOR 2 TO 4 AS A SIDE 1/4 cup vegetable broth 11/2 teaspoons maple syrup or agave syrup 1 teaspoon tomato paste 1 teaspoon liquid smoke* 2 teaspoons soy sauce, tamari, or Bragg's Liquid Aminos* 2 teaspoons olive or grapeseed oil 8 ounces tempeh 2 cloves garlic, minced 11/2 teaspoons of your favorite no-salt, all-purpose seasoning blend 1 bunch kale, cut into 2-inch strips (about 7 cups) 2 tablespoons lemon juice 1 In a small glass, mix together the broth, maple syrup, tomato paste, liquid smoke, and 1 teaspoon of the soy sauce and set that shit aside. 2 Heat the oil in a big wok or skillet over medium heat. Crumble in the tempeh in bite-size pieces and sauté it around until it starts to brown in some places, 2 to 3 minutes. Now pour that broth mixture all over and let it cook for about 15 seconds. Add the garlic and seasoning blend and cook for another 30 seconds. Almost done. 3 Now we get to the greens. Pile those motherfuckers on top of the tempeh, pour in the lemon juice and remaining 1 teaspoon soy sauce, and stir everything around with the tempeh. It will look like too much kale but respect the process, damn. Let the kale cook down for about a minute or two- -you want it nice and wilted, not cooked to death. Serve right away. * WTF? See page 10. TOFU SCRAMBLE TACOS Serve with avocados, fresh cilantro, and your favorite salsa. Fuck yeah. MAKES ABOUT 8 TACOS 1 small crown broccoli 1 red bell pepper 1 yellow onion 1 carrot 4 cloves garlic 1 to 2 jalapeños* 1 tablespoon ground cumin 1 tablespoon chili powder 2 teaspoons dried oregano 2 teaspoons olive oil 1 block extra-firm tofu 2 to 3 teaspoons soy sauce, tamari, or Bragg's** 2 tablespoons lemon or lime juice 1/3 cup nutritional yeast** 2 teaspoons of your favorite hot sauce 8 corn or flour tortillas, warmed 1 Chop up the broccoli into pieces no larger than a nickel, aiming for about 2 cups. Dice the bell pepper and onion into pea-size pieces. Shred the carrot on that box grater you think you bought a while back. Mince the garlic and jalapeño. In a small bowl, mix together the cumin, chili powder, and oregano and set that shit aside. PREP WORK, MOTHERFUCKER. 2 Now it's time to cook. In a large skillet, heat the oil over medium heat. Add the onion and cook until it starts to look golden around the edges, 3 to 5 minutes. Now add the chopped broccoli and bell pepper and cook until the broccoli starts to get tender but isn't all fucking limp, another 3 to 4 minutes. Don't overcook this shit or your broccoli will taste like little soggy trees. Now add the garlic and jalapeño and sauté for about 30 seconds. 3 While that shit is going on, drain the tofu and squeeze out as much water as possible. (You can just use your hands; no need to press this bastard.) Now crumble that tofu into the pan in quarter-size chunks. Some small bits are cool but the more you stir it, the more shit is going to break down, so its better to start bigger and work to smaller, you know? Sauté that tofu around with the veggies for 2 to 3 minutes and try to get it all mixed in. If the pan starts looking dry, add a splash of water and move the fuck on. Add the soy sauce and lemon/lime juice all over the pan. Add the spice blend, shredded carrot, and nutritional yeast right after and stir those fuckers in. Let this all cook together for about 2 minutes so that the flavors blend. Top with the hot sauce, stir, and then pile the filling into your waiting tortillas. Breakfast is served, bitches. * Whatever heat you can handle. Remove the seeds for less heat. ** WTF? See page 10. WEIRD FUCKING INGREDIENTS Nutritional yeast, or nooch if you are in the know, is some level 7 hippie shit. It's deactivated yeast sold in flakes that makes everything taste kinda cheesy. It's like healthy Cheeto dust. The future is now, people. It's packed with B12, folic acid, selenium, zinc, and some protein. You can find it in bulk bins at some grocery stores and on the fucking Internet. It is not the same thing as brewer's yeast, and anybody who tells you otherwise is a goddamn liar. BRAGG'S LIQUID AMINOS You can usually find this old-school sauce near the vinegars or soy sauces in the healthy eating section of most big grocery stores and on the Internet. Obvs. It tastes a lot like soy sauce but with a little something extra. If you can't find it, just sub with soy sauce or tamari. LIQUID SMOKE This flavor enhancer is made by collecting the smoke from wood chips, letting it cool, and adding some water. It adds a fuckton of flavor, but a little goes a long way. Don't overdo it. It is near the BBQ sauce at the store, we swear. You haven't even looked yet so stop fucking complaining. BROWN RICE BOWLWITH EDAMAME AND TAMARI SCALLION SAUCE Savory food for breakfast is the shit and more people need to hop on board. This basic breakfast bowl is habit-forming, so watch the fuck out. The brown rice is super filling and the edamame brings plenty of protein to the table, so you'll feel like a fucking champ. MAKES ENOUGH FOR 4 TO 6 TAMARI SCALLION SAUCE 1 cup sliced green onions* 1/4 cup rice vinegar 2 tablespoons orange juice 4 teaspoons toasted sesame oil 1 teaspoon tamari or soy sauce Basic Big Pot of Brown Rice (page xxiv) 4 cups shelled edamame** 1/3 cup sliced almonds, toasted (optional) 1 Make the sauce: Throw everything into a food processor or blender and let it run until the sauce looks sorta smooth. You should get about 2/3 cup of sauce. 2 To assemble the bowl, spoon equal parts brown rice and edamame into a bowl and drizzle a tablespoon or two of sauce all over it. If you aren't super hungry in the mornings, 1/2 cup of each should do you. If you want some added crunch, sprinkle some sliced almonds over the top. You can make this shit all on Sunday night and then just heat it up all week for breakfast. * Green onions, scallions . . . they're the same damn thing. "Scallion" just sounds more legit next to the word "sauce." ** Edamame are immature soybeans and are tasty as fuck. They have a great texture and are full of good shit like protein, fatty acids, and tons of fiber. Find them in the frozen veggie section at the store and keep your freezer full. MAKE YOUR OWN PANCAKE MIX Excerpted from Thug Kitchen: Eat Like You Give a F*ck by Thug Kitchen Staff All rights reserved by the original copyright owners. Excerpts are provided for display purposes only and may not be reproduced, reprinted or distributed without the written permission of the publisher.